Twiggy vs James Bond
by Silverlight
Summary: In which Renji and Ichigo learn why they should never go drinking with one Kuchiki Rukia...


"This is a bust," said Renji. 

"I agree," grumped Ichigo.

"Be nice," chided Rukia. "It is a wedding after all."

"You think there'd at least be decent booze," retorted Ichigo.

"Hear hear!" said Renji before downing the last of the wine in his glass. "Shit, the girl must've chosen this."

"It can't be that bad," said Rukia, snatching Ichigo's glass before he could protest. She tasted a bit and then put the glass back down, trying not to shudder. "Okay, so it is. But Inoue-san does have...interesting taste."

"That explains why she married Ishida."

Ichigo made a soft sound that sounded like half a snicker and half a drowned gurgle. Rukia contemplated smacking the both of them, but decided that watching Tatsuki navigate her away across the dance floor was much more interesting. "ISHIDA!" she bellowed. "IF YOU'RE STILL HERE YOU BETTER NOT HURT ORIHIME BECAUSE I'LL KILL YOU!" she waved her arms for emphasis and managed to smack Keigo in the stomach. "GODDAMMIT, WHERE ARE YOU? WHY AREN'T YOU AT YOUR OWN WEDDING!"

"Someone should tell her that they left already," remarked Rukia and gave Ichigo a very pointed look.

"Do I look suicidal? Do you know what happened the last time Tatsuki was that smashed and I tried to intervene?"

Renji and Rukia exchanged glances. "No."

"Good," said Ichigo. Rukia was about to open her mouth to protest when she made the mistake of glancing at the dance floor to track Tatsuki's progress. "Is Kanonji doing what I think he is?" she asked in a strangled voice.

Ichigo and Renji could only nod, mouths half open and eyes made sober with terror. They squeaked when he began gyrating his hips, quite off beat. "KUROSAKI!" he shrieked. "COME JOIN ME!"

"...I think it's time we blow this joint," said Ichigo. He was really not drunk enough. Hell, he would never be drunk enough to deal with Don Kanonji at a wedding.

"Please," said Rukia weakly.

-----

The bartender eyed her sceptically. Rukia did her best to look Old and Mature by smoothing out an invisible crease in the folds of her ridiculous bridesmaid dress. The extra lace and frills probably made her look younger, she reasoned and added it to her mental checklist of, 'Why it Was a Bad Idea to Attend Ishida and Inoue's Wedding.' "Are you sure you're old enough to even be in a bar?"

"Yes," she replied cheerfully. "May I please have my drinks now?"

He handed her two pints of beer and a fruit juice. She looked at the third drink. He glared, defying her to argue, and Rukia shrugged. She could always steal sips from Ichigo and Renji. She thanked him prettily and took the drinks, dropping them onto the table and spilling half of the beer on her hands and the table.

"Watch it!" hissed Renji, snatching the glass from her and downing the rest of the beer in giant gulps. Ichigo seemed like-minded because he raised his hand and called for a pitcher. "And some warm sake," hissed Rukia. "I'm still trying to wipe out the memory of that wedding from my mind."

Ichigo glanced at her cup and smirked. She kicked his shins. He yelped. Renji, by now, was on his third pint of beer and very close to picking up the pitcher and drinking straight from it. "You know," she commented, watching Renji quaff his Asahi with great gutso and wishing she could do the same without that strange bartender staring at her, "I bet he can drink more than you."

It took exactly zero point three seconds for Ichigo to order another pitcher. Renji seemed to have caught on because he snatched up the first pitcher and drained the contents before Ichigo could even take a sip from the second. Sitting back, Rukia ordered two more pitchers and stole Renji's glass. It was going to be a long night.

-----

"Little lady, it's four in the morning," the bartender told her when she asked for more sake.

"My friends are still thirsty," she told him sweetly.

He gave her a strange look. "They're passed out. Not to mention the fact that they've broken three tables and seven chairs during that pissing contest that you instigated." She tried her best to look wounded, but he ignored her. He was onto this little girl that sipped sake like water. The only sign that she had been drinking was the slight blush in her cheeks and the too-bright eyes. Hell, she looked like she was seven in that ridiculous pink dress and she still managed to drink two grown ruffians (what were kids thinking of, dying their hair such strange colours?) under the table.

Rukia hummed. She hadn't expected either Renji or Ichigo to give up quite so easily. She was still a bit thirsty. The bartender was not going to give her anymore alcohol until someone paid for something. Well, there were always more bars to visit, she thought. Or she could always drop by Urahara's and raid his liquor cabinet. If she got caught, she'd put it on Renji's tab. Satisfied with the plan, she skipped (skipped!) her way to her snoring companions, fished out their wallets and keys and pocketed them (at least Ishida had the sense to sew pockets into this dress). She was just about to leave when she thought better of it, skipped (skipped!) back, asked the bartender for paper and a pen and scribbled a couple of hasty notes and stuffing it into their pockets. Ruffling Ichigo's hair and tweaking Renji's french braid, she leaned over to give the both of them chaste kisses, making sure to leave the dark imprint of her lipstick on each of their gristled cheeks.

-----

It was not Kurosaki Ichigo's day. It was nine in the morning and he was hungover and stuck doing dishes at some bar called, "The Dancing Ladies." His head was hurting so much in fact, that he was surprised he could see straight. Well, he couldn't really, but you didn't need to see to wash glasses.

He was going to kill Rukia. Really. She had taken things too far this time. Stealing their wallets, keys, and leaving that blisteringly insulting note. "I had a great time last night, thanks for picking up the tab!" What was he? Her 'sugar-daddy' or whatever they called it nowadays? That was Renji's job, thank you very much.

"Your friend outside is still passed out. And you have lipstick on your cheek," the bartender told him, grim and unhappy.

Muttering, Ichigo finished up the washing and went to kick Renji. When that didn't work, he asked for a pitcher of ice water and poured the contents on the sleeping bastard. Groaning, Renji opened his eyes and said blearily, "Why's lipstick on your cheek?"

"Rukia," replied Ichigo shortly. Renji's eyes widened and with shinigami-honed reflexes, swore and ran to the washroom to throw up. He came back out, ten minutes later, pale, shivering and pissed off. "Where the fuck is Rukia?"

"Gone," reponded Ichigo, his voice tight with anger and the need to pick up a certain shinigami and throw her out the fucking window. "She left us with the tab."

"Where the fuck is she? We need money to pay that shit off."

"She's not picking up the phone."

"Call Urahara. She's probably there." Ichigo nearly smacked himself at the sheer obviousness of it all. Of course. He should've thought of that earlier. If, you know, he had been capable of thought. Fuck, he was never getting smashed ever again. Unless he saw Don Kanonji dancing. He shuddered. Apparently Renji was following a similar line of thought because he muttered, "Fucking weddings."

Ichigo's cell phone rang and they both jumped. He checked it, swore and put the phone on speaker. "BITCH, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"Are you guys finally awake?" chirped Rukia. "Because if you are, I just wanted to thank you for the lovely time last night. You do know that both you and Renji are really very strong and insistent when you're drunk."

Renji and Ichigo stared at one another. So that's where the lipstick had come from. And why the bar had been so trashed. And why--oh dear God, was that a french braid in Renji's hair?

"Thanks for picking up the tab! I'll see you guys later! I hope you feel better soon!" and she hung up.

Ichigo sunk into an unbroken chair and put his head in his hands. Renji, meanwhile, was working himself up to a fantastic set of hysterics. "WHAT THE HELL KUROSAKI! HOW COULD YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF RUKIA LIKE THAT?"

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME? I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

"BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

"HOW THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID?"

"I KNOW WHAT KIND OF A PERSON YOU ARE! LIVING WITH RUKIA IN YOUR FUCKING CLOSET ALL THOSE MONTHS!"

"OH AND YOU JUST LIVED WITH HER FOR FORTY FUCKING YEARS RIGHT?"

Renji deflated. "You know whose fault this is, right?"

"Rukia's," growled Ichigo. "And we still have this tab to pay off. And we've no way to get home since she took my fucking car keys."

"You think she tried to drive?"

Ichigo swore and ran outside to check. Then he came back in and whipped out his cell phone, screaming epithets when Rukia's voicemail picked up. When he finally exhausted his vocabularly, he put his head down onto the sticky table. It wasn't even ten yet and it was most definitely the worst goddamned day of his life. His cell phone rang and without looking, he put it on speaker. "Rukia, that better be you..."

"Hello Kurosaki-kun!" carolled Urahara. "Unfortunately, Kuchiki-san just left, but when she told me of the predicament that you and Abarai-kun had gotten yourselves into--" Renji muttered something incomprehensible and glared at the phone "--I thought it best to offer my help."

Renji and Ichigo exchanged glances. Accepting help from Urahara was like making a pact with the devil. "How?" asked Renji cautiously.

"I'll come, pay off your tab and drop you off at home!" said Urahara, sounding far too angelic and saintly. "But for a price, of course."

"Urahara-san, I don't care how much money or interest it is, just get us out of here," said Ichigo.

"Tut tut, I'm not so simple. I don't need money. I want is something else. Something very specific, actually." Urahara paused and Ichigo could feel his headache just grow worse.

"Well?" demanded Renji. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Not much. Just your firstborns."

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?" screeched Ichigo and Renji simultaneously.

Urahara made a disapproving noise. "No wonder your tab is so high. With that kind of language, I'd pad the bill too."

"If you hadn't noticed, neither Renji nor I have children," said Ichigo in a suprisingly calm manner. "So I'm afraid you're asking for an asset that neither one of us have."

"Oh, it's not a big deal, these things can always be arranged. I'm sure that if necessary, I can always outfit Kuchiki-san in a child-bearing gigai and make sure she has twins--" Renji and Ichigo turned green at the very thought of a pregnant and hormonal Rukia, "--or if either one of you marries, I can always grant you free fertility treatments. High success rate. I'm not completely unreasonable."

"If you hadn't noticed, this is not a fucking fairytale," growled Ichigo. "There's no fucking way in hell anyone would agree to that kind of bargain."

"Oh?" They could just hear the smirk in the older man's voice. "Where do you think I got Ururu and Jinta from?"

It took them a full minute to process what Urahara had just said. In a weak voice, Ichigo asked to call back later and started to systematically go through his phone book. His father said something about a rite of passage and, "Real men must learn to bail themselves out of untenable situations, my son! Forgive me, but I cannot come help you this time! You must go through this alone!" while Tatsuki mumbled something about being too hungover to care and hung up. Karin and Yuzu would have been willing, Ichigo was sure, but they were very conveniently out of the goddamned country on some sister bonding trip thing. Chad was another option, but Ichigo knew that his best friend would have to clean out his account in order to pay for their astronomical bill. The newlyweds would be no help; they had departed for their honeymoon after the wedding. They couldn't even pay off their bill washing dishes since the bartender said that he did not want to see neither hair nor hide of them from now until two weeks past forever. Gritting his teeth, Ichigo called Urahara back.

"Fine," he said shortly. Renji's eyes widened and Ichigo punched him before he could make things worse. If they could get worse. "Get us the fuck out of here."

Urahara at least had the good grace to do no more than sound vaguely amused. "At your service, Kurosaki-kun, Abarai-kun."

-----

"She's not opening the fucking door," said Ichigo. Renji pounded on the door and said several unsavoury things about their apartment mate.

"RUKIA, YOU BITCH, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"

There was light laughter and then, "I'm sorry, I can't seem to move at the moment, you'll have to wait. Your activities last night exhausted me quite thoroughly, you know."

Ichigo turned green and Renji began throwing his body against the door, hoping to break it down. "Fucking bitch," he growled, "I'm going to fucking kill you when I get my hands on you."

Ichigo stopped him and pointed down the hallway to the window. "Don't you dare break my fucking door when we can climb through the window," he snarled.

They left the dented door to its own devices, opened the window and slipped out. Crawling across several hundred feet of brick wall was not an easy feat and their day had already been shitty enough (Urahara that bastard, showed up, flicked his lighter and spirited them off before the bartender could even re-register the state of his bar). They got to Ichigo's window with its ledge of potted plants, dropped down and broke the glass when it wouldn't open.

Rukia was so fucking dead.

They found her in the living room, surrounded by tons of new gadgets and looking quite pleased with herself. She looked up and smiled. "Hi," she said, waving. "Look what I got from Urahara-san! And all at a discount!"

Ichigo suddenly wished he had his zanpaktou with him. The world wouldn't miss one more smart-ass, leeching shinigami. "Who paid for all of this shit?"

She grinned, dug into her pockets and threw their wallets and keys at them. "You did. Oh, I maxed out your credit cards too when you ran out of cash."

Ichigo stood very still. He could feel the blood rushing to his face and ears and his heart was pounding far too quickly to be normal. Renji, on the other hand, was screaming. Screaming and throwing expensive gadgets around and upsetting Rukia.

"BITCH, YOU FUCKING TOOK ADVANTAGE OF US AND THEN YOU FUCKING BANKRUPT US?" yelled Renji, throwing what looked like the latest Hollow detector at a wall. Rukia managed to leap and save the object in time before it hit the wall and smashed to pieces.

"IF THIS IS BROKEN, YOU'RE PAYING FOR A NEW ONE!" she screamed.

"I PAID FOR IT, I CAN FUCKING DO WHAT I WANT WITH IT!"

"LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT?" she screeched.

That was it. Ichigo's mind snapped. Roaring something (he wasn't quite sure what), he picked her up by the scruff of her dress, marched to his bedroom, ignoring her kicks and punches to his ribs and held her outside the broken window, seven stories off the ground. "Now, you have two choices. You can apologize and we can beat the shit out of you until you pay back our money, or you can not apologize, blame everything on us and I will drop you."

Rukia stared at him with wide-eyed innocence. Renji swore and said, "Kurosaki, I think you're taking it a bit far..."

"I don't fucking care," snarled Ichigo. "She practically raped us and our credit cards and now we have to give up our first-fucking-born to Urahara-san. You think I'm going to let her off that easily?"

"I didn't do anything to you last night!" she protested.

"Bull-fucking-shit."

"I didn't!" she wailed. "You both took advantage of me!"

Ichigo was about to reply to that when they heard pounding on their door and a, "Police! Open up!"

The three of them exchanged glances. Rukia smiled sweetly and Ichigo and Renji cursed. The pounding continued. "I guess someone called the cops after they saw me dangling from the window," she said. "And if I wanted, I could press charges..."

"Rukia..." growled Ichigo.

"But if you promise not to kill or yell at me, I'll get us out of this," she finished.

"If you don't open the door soon, we will be forced to break it down!" said the voices outside.

"Fine," snapped Ichigo, bringing her back in and throwing her across the room and onto the bed. "You handle this."

Rukia stood up and smoothed out her dress and hair. Marching out of his room, she yanked open the apartment door and smiled her most charming and sweet smile at the officer who nearly beaned her in mid-knock. "Hello Officer. Can I help you?"

The officer straightened. "Yes, well, we got a phone call about a young lady that was being held outside a window."

Rukia nodded, wide-eyed. "Yes, that was me," she said. "My husband--" Renji choked and Ichigo made strangling noises, "--saved me from a disastrous fall. You see, I was trying to clean the window and was standing on the window ledge when I suddenly tripped. Oh no, I thought to myself, I'm about to plummet to my death when my dear, protective, darling husband here came and caught me." If possible, her eyes grew rounder. She clasped her hands in front of her and called, "Darling, come here and say hello to the officer."

Ichigo trudged to her side, and she sidled up to him, cooing. "See? Doesn't he look so handsome and brave, officer? Of course, he wasn't the only one to save me. My brother-in-law," she waved vaguely in Renji's direction, "decided that he had to water the plants because he saw me trying to clean the window and when I fell, was able to yell to my darling here," she stopped to tip-toe and pinch Ichigo's cheeks. He scowled. "and he caught me just in time." Her hands then flew to her mouth. "Oh dear, I forgot about lunch! Do you want to stay for lunch, Officer?" she asked, rushing from the door and into the kitchen to throw on an apron that was much too large for her. "It's no trouble to make extra, and we want to thank you for being so very prompt about showing up and being concerned for my safety." She beamed.

Officer Dan was clearly not used to dealing with someone like Rukia. He muttered something under his breath while Rukia scolded her 'darling husband' for not showing him in. Ichigo and Renji seemed similarly stunned, so she murmured, "Forgive my husband and brother-in-law. They haven't taken their medication yet and I'm afraid the shock of my near-plummet to certain death has addled their brains."

"I guess more things than weird hair colour run in that family," chuckled Officer Dan, writing something quickly on his clipboard. Renji and Ichigo twitched violently but before Renji could do more than open his mouth, Rukia stomped on his foot. Howling in pain, Renji clutched at the offending appendage while Ichigo said something along the lines of, "My hair is much better than that asshole's."

"YOUR HAIR IS NOT BETTER THAN MINE YO--"

With lightning quick reflexes, Rukia socked Renji in the jaw and clamped a hand over Ichigo's mouth. "I'm sorry officer," she said. She was practically sparkling. "But I'm afraid it's time for their medication now. I hope I've answered all your questions."

Officer Dan nodded. "Yes, I understand. My wife's father isn't quite all right in the head either. Very well, I'll leave you alone. Have a good day."

"Good day, Officer!" chirped Rukia, shutting the door. She locked it and smiled at her 'husband' and 'brother-in-law' who were growling dire threats and looking quite purple in the face. "Now, now," she chided, "you promised not to kill me."

"It's your fault Kurosaki. Now we're never going to get our money back," grumbled Renji. "Hey Rukia, did you know that Urahara-san collects kids?"

"Of course." Her tone had an implied 'duh' in it. "Where do you think he got Jinta and Ururu from?"

_end_


End file.
